I know my last post was all about acceptance, and everything I said in that post still holds true, but sometimes we get burnt out from working so hard to care for our finicky bodies.
I just happen to be having one of those days right now. A day where I don’t want to take pills all the time, constantly drink fluids, run my tube feeds, or stay in bed resting all day just so I can go out for an hour or two in the evening. I still do the things I have to in order to care for my body (for the most part anyway) but I am much more grumpy about it than usual. I’m burnt out right now.
In a day or two I will snap out of it and go back to my usual positive self. I think right now I am just feeling mad at my body for keeping me from going to college or getting a job. I want to be out there finding my way in the world like all my friends are.
I got to see a best friend graduate from college on Thursday, and I am so immensely proud and happy for them. I am glad I got to be there to cheer them on. A small part of me couldn’t help but feel a little jealous (and then feel guilty for feeling jealous). I still want that for myself someday. I just haven’t figured out how to make it happen yet.
Whenever I have tried college in the past I would get exhausted long before the semester was over and my grades would all plummet until I was forced to drop out. That was before a lot of my health problems got diagnosed though.
I am nothing if not persistent, so I know I will find a way to do it someday. I’d like to do something in the field of medical research, help people like me get diagnosed faster and treated more effectively.